So, a while back, I decided to sell a kitchen tap (unused) on ebay. This is neither here nor there. The important thing is I was bored and didn’t think I would get anyone to buy something as mundane as a tap.
In order to get past this lethargy, and because I was bored, I listed the tap as evil, and wrote a fitting description. It’s worth reading to the best bit, which is the Q&A session at the end – I did get asked some really stupid stuff but 346 impressions:
I have had a change of plans in my kitchen and so have a full mixer-tap fitting kit to go on sale. It starts at a pound and has no reserve.
It’s brand-new and includes every last part you need to fit it to your sink. I have found in the past that taps are a great way of putting water into things, and this one will not dissapoint. It mixes, and it stops the water coming out when you’re sick of it.
It has quite a heft and is chrome plated is wipe clean (on the outside) – ideal for a sparkly kitchen, or for clubbing someone/thing and wiping the blood and or fur off easily. Taps: the gift that keeps on giving.
Mother’s day is coming up I can’t think of a greater way of expressing your love than the gift of a tap – for a mother it’s the equivalent of giving a bloke a can of WD40. Who could say no to a gift like that, or if you’re Norman Bates – it’s the plumbing/diy equivalent of a good sharp spade.
Shipping: It’ll go Royal Mail (God Save The Queen) first class, and if the postage is any more than £5 then I’ll cover the difference – your tap based costs are capped in this turbulent financial market.
Payment – oh, pay me any old how, but paypal is preferred. I don’t mind cash or cheque, but you will need to allow time for the cheque to clear. It depends on how desperate you are to start your new journey into tap and pipe based ownership.
Q: Could this tap (or faucet as it might be known by some) be used to simply fill a sink or bowl or even a bucket with water of a predetermined temperature and not for any evil purposes or is it destined only for darker purposes ? yours, Pete. 29-Feb-12
A: Dear Praffen Great question. With a suitable mounting position and adequate feed of water, this tap will send the water in a pre-determined direction until you are sick of it and you can turn it off. HOWEVER, when it talks to me at night, it does express a preference to be mounted at the top of an altar in the middle of a huge, moist jungle. This is merely positioning and I’m sure if you were to mount it to a sink, keep a pot plant nearby and occasionally allow the water to run through it hot, you will simulate the rain-forest and appease the tap, lest it take you over and night and become your new god. It is also worth bearing in mind that most taps like to retire to the kitchen sink of a discerning person such as your self after a hard life of evil deeds, and the most they will do in their life is flow water in a menacing fashion rather than command you to go through the isolated car-parks at night, clubbing doggers.
Q: If I used this tap to make a ritual sacrifice to Sebek, would it still please him? It would be convenient for me as it would wipe clean easily, but don’t want to offend the great crocodile god. 29-Feb-12
A: Dear Benzine Yes, this tap is suitable for all your needs to appease the old gods, and my research leads me to recommend the tap for sacrificial purposes. Indeed, if one is sacrificing under the influence of experience enhancing chemicals, and my tap-sales FAQ does state that in this case the tap will come to resemble a crocodile, which glows. This also means you can show your enhanced knowledge of the fickle needs of the formalities and ceremony required, and appease Ra at the same time. In this way, you get to curry even more favour with both Sebek and Ra. Truly a humble chrome mixer tap (that some could see as neutral in it’s position in the eternal battle between good and evil) can be turned to the most spectacular evil deeds. However, one shouldn’t ignore the universal appeal of a tap – many of the old Norse gods would have been grateful for the use of a good, solid hefty tap when off on the rampage [source needed]. I hope this helps you in your decision, considering there are indeed many gods you can appease by owning this tap, with it’s easy maintenance, wipe free chrome surface.
Q: I’m building an evil hideout, lair if you will. The water supply to said den will likely be evil. Will this tap be compatible with evil water? I’d expect the supply pressure to be enough to inflate a small animal to bursting point. A squirrel for example. 26-Feb-12
A: Hi Jeff. This tap is a supremely compatible tap, and is capable of working with both good and evil water, and deeds thereof. Its also compatible with soft and hard water and even anti-coagulant if in suitable liquid form. The tap is rated to 0.5 bar which is 7.25 psi. I would think 7 psi will do plenty of damage to a squirrel (good choice) but I think that if you’re targeting squirrels, you need to look at things in the evil round. For instance, introducing the tap to the squirrel will make it’s eyes cross, whereas introducing water of of your evil choice will make its eyes bulge. I hope this answers your questions and good look with your enterprises. Happy Squirrel Popping.
Q: How strong is the tap at -20C and below? I don’t want it to become brittle in deep cold, I’d like to take it seal clubbing. 26-Feb-12
A: Hi Schnorberts. This is a very good question and one that often comes up in tap related sales. There are several factors that influence the shattering of mild steel as it approaches the Ductile Brittle Transition Temperature (DBTT), and the standard test for this is the Charpy impact test, typically providing a hard impact at 40J (for mild steel) to test the shatter temperature. For most varieties of steel you stand the risk of shattering below -20C and I would only become really concerned if you were approaching temperatures nearer -100C. However, the Charpy impact test does not translate to your particular circumstances, in as much as a seal skull is relatively soft compared to the impact point for the test. I am further assuming you will be clubbing baby seals (who wouldn’t?) and their skulls will be softer still. Furthermore, the skull is wrapped in fat, skin and fur which will further soften the blow compared to the impact test. If you can provide me literature that gives standard units of hardness for seal skulls, then I will recalculate for you. In summary, I think you will be fine.
Q: I have the same tap fitted in my kitchen but it drips and I ahve been told it requires a new tap washer. Would you be willing to split yours and sell just the washer? 26-Feb-12
A: Hi Predator2000 Sorry, but splitting the bundle would reduce the potential for evil, so it must stand as a full lot.